I lost my job in
the economic upheaval. Over the many months that I have been out of
work, I have gone from rarely drinking to drinking every night. A LOT.
Sometimes I drink until I get a buzz. Other times I drink until I pass
out. I started by drinking things I liked but I started gaining weight and so I changed over to things that had less calories. Now I drink vodka with water or vodka on ice or sometimes vodka straight up. I justified this to myself by saying it was a sipping drink but sometimes I sipped so much I had 3 or 4 of these in one night.
Nowadays I spend a lot of time alone by choice. After I lost my job I
didn't want to burden anyone with my situation so I stayed away.
Stopped returning phone calls, stopped accepting invitations to dinner,
stopped dating. I really started drinking as a way to entertain
myself and to help myself get to sleep at night. I wasn't getting interviews so I had plenty of time. I had parties by myself where I danced and sang and did
karaoke, laughed, and toasted myself. I drank until I passed out. I drank out of boredom and because I was afraid I would have think about my situation after I turned out the lights and before I fell asleep. Then it
became kind of a habit. I did it because it was what I did -- and because it was fun. Now... I
am recognizing that it is not so cool for me anymore. I want to start
dating and socializing again... but I do not want to reintroduce myself
as a lush. But secretly... I don't want to stop. I know that this is who I am now, it is what I've become. I've got to dust
myself off and get back out there in the classy way I've always
presented myself. But I'm kinda scared. I don't want what I've done
in the darkness of my home to be seen by anyone.
I don't want to be
out of control. I wake up feeling terrible every morning and I can't remember things that I have done more often than I like to admit. I don't want anyone to know.
I Drink -- Alot
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The Spouse,
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